Are you that one person in your social circle who always puts others before themselves? Do you find it impossible to say “no” to requests, no matter how inconvenient or overwhelming they may be? You’re not alone. In today’s fast-paced, often self-centered world, it’s refreshing to encounter individuals who embody unusual kindness and generosity. However, this selfless trait can sometimes become a double-edged sword, leading to emotional exhaustion, resentment, and a loss of personal identity. In this article, we’ll explore 10 essential lessons for the “unusually kind and generous” person struggling to set boundaries and say “no” to others’ requests, according to George-Nelson Chukwuebuka Uzoma.
1. Avoid Savior Mentality; without you, they will be fine
This is a serious lesson I have learnt over the years. This lesson implies that you make a categorization between “meeting people’s needs and feeding their greeds.” An “average thinking” human being is naturally greedy and expliotative. Everyone wants to get their share of your good and kind heart. When they come, feed needs (if you must) and avoid feeding their greeds! Do not give because you can, give because you must and you want to.
2. People’s problems never end!
From academic supports to feeding supports, business appeals, burial groups, wedding’s commitee of friends, birthday celebrations, hospital bills and self-imposed expenses, people’s problems never end neither do yours. The earlier you understand this, the better you become strategic about your finances. Not even Elon Musk can solve the world’s needs if he gives all he has. So, while giving, remember that more are waiting in the future.
3. Putting yourself first isn’t selfish!
This lessons expects you to “say no if you must” and to priorize your needs over those of others. Even though I still struggle with this owing to the Christian virtues of self-denial, I have learnt that putting myself first isn’t an atom of selfishness rather a commendable attempt at self-preservation. Give, but before giving to other, give to yourself.
4. If you must give, give untransactionally
Whatever the prospect and inspiration for giving is, make sure that it is not done from the point of what you will get in return. I do not want to associate this with the Christian lessons inherent in giving untransactionally. Nevertheless, if you give with the hope of getting something in return, humans will disappoint you. Most of those you turned up for in their worst might be unable or unwilling to do same for you if tables turned. This should not blind you to the truth there is: many people will turn up for you (some will be those who benefitted from you). Hence the 5th lesson…
5. Give strategically: Give to the Deserving and to the Grateful Giver
You see that person that gets constant benevolence from you and does not forget to keep in touch sending you messages and being interested in your life without “known” hidden interest, hold them close.
Another group are givers. While working as a volunteering secondary school teacher, I had some students on full and partial scholarships, but there is this woman that endeared herself and her son to me. She periodically buy bread and Cream Crackers during visiting days and reopening days. She kept showing gratitude through her reciprocity even as I was giving more.
Additionally, last year, during the reshufflement of our scholarship programmes, I changed the qualifying criteria from “children from poor families” to “students who deserve it”. You know why? I have learnt the hard lesson that there are ungrateful and entitled poor persons whose attitudes stink! They neither know the value of money nor do they know the value of education.
Who deserves your giving? If you are giving a scholarship, give to the best students. They know the value of education and they will be grateful while giving their best to justify it. If you are giving to entrepreneurs, give to someone with a track record and visible business. He knows the value. To a random person, give to givers. Givers know what it takes to give and their gratitude heals a broken soul!
6. Avoid Impulsive Spendings: Make Budgets and try Alms giving
This works for me. My life is now so regimented that I can vividly keep track of every kobo I have spent since January. Make budgets for everything in your life including giving. If you must exceeding your giving budget, then, practice periodic almsgiving. How does this work? When I have exceeded my giving budget for the month and I feel the urge to give, I can starve (I purposefully did not use “fast”) for a day and sacrifice the money. I have a rule that can help you: “I have never needed my own money urgently, so, no one has right to demand for my money urgently.”
7. Cover Life’s Risks
Since you are (supposedly) living on a regimented budget, have a saved fund for emergency. Our concepts of emergencies would differ but keep something aside no matter how small. This would give you a sense of security and provide a source of fund you could borrow from and replace afterwards. This boils down to: save to save your life! Your savings will save you.
8. Rendering too many voluntary service?
Put a Price Tag on your Brain and Earn from your Kindness.
Yes, kindness can be rewarding especially if it is an intellectual charity. There is a general assumption that intelligent people are not quite generous with their time and this is understandable. Nevertheless, when you try to combine intellectual competence with intellectual kindness, you will easily borne out and will always struggle to live a normal life. Life has taught me that people would rather seek help than undergo the pains of studying, researching or editing and when they find someone willing to help out, they will expliot the person. So, if you are in this situation, put a price tag to your brain and be kind enough to give discounts to “deserving people”. Since the last one year, I have made quite “millions” from some intellectual assistances I had earlier done for free. I have made more from such this month alone than I ever earned from 2015-2021 (though this can be contextualized) . Putting a price tag helps you reduce loads as you will be very busy and productive but in a rewarding way. Those who can’t afford your services should learn to do it themselves!!!
9. Do not seek public approval; everyone thinks they are kind, so do you
Read through the comments and reactions to this post (if any), you will discover that everyone claims to be kind. What does this tell you? Never use kindness to seek public approval. People will collect from you and still laugh at you. While giving, have zero expectations. “For God and to humanity” should be the intention. Anything na jara.
10. It is Okay to Ask for help
Do not develop a self-sufficient pseudo-personality. You are not God. Exceptionally generous people only see themselves from the Giver’s perspective and cannot imagine themselves as receivers. When they need help, they would rather die than make a simple appeal. Do not adopt this principle. If you apply the principles above, you will surely have people to fall back to at your worst. It is okay, very okay, to ask for help, Dear unusually kind Giver!!!
